FALSE WITNESS

*****

Nick: Keep looking.
Schanke: Why? Someone you know having a bachelor party aboard a fully-manned nuclear sub? Okay, okay, not funny. But even if this tape of Kozak's exists, what idiot would have a home movie floating around of him strangling his sex partner?
Nick: Well, if it didn't exist, why'd we send Pete in to find it?
Schanke: Do you want to know why? To nail Kozak. This department's been after for him since before you showed up from wherever the hell you showed up from. I mean, I just wish I was here...here in time to save Pete. But that guy, that guy blew it.
Nick: If only I'd got here a few seconds sooner.
Schanke: Do not beat yourself up. You were a super hero to get here as quick as you did. How did you get here as quick as you did?

Kozak: You think I'm stupid enough to kill a guy on a wire with the police camped outside the door, huh? He shot himself!
Stonetree: You don't want to know what I think about you.

Nick (To Kozak): I saw you kill Faber.
Stonetree: Really?
Nick: Yeah. He did it and I saw him. Get him out of here.

Schanke: Excuse me, Miss.
Tamara: It's Mistress. Mistress Tamara.
Schanke: Does the Mistress have a last name?
Tamara: Dugan. Tamara Dugan.
Schanke: So, Did you pal around with these creeps?
Tamara: Uh, we're business associates. Look, I just came by because we were going to shoot something tonight. Excuse me.
Schanke: Well, shoot me your phone number so I can get in contact with you, if I need to.
Tamara: I should have guessed. Policemen are some of my best clients. Let your fingers do the walking.
Schanke: Yeah, right. I'll look it up under abuse--voluntary.

Nick: All right, what's going on?
Schanke: What's it look like? It's a party.
Nick: Party, huh?
Schanke: Just our way of saying thanks to you for bagging the unbaggable.
Nick: Good, because for one terrible second I thought I was having another birthday.

Prosecutor: You saw that?
Nick: Excuse me?
Prosecutor: You saw him pull the trigger?
Nick: Yeah.

Natalie: So I understand you saved the day once again. Was it a step forwards, or a step backwards? I thought so.

Natalie: Did you actually see the shooting?
Nick: What do you mean by that?
Natalie: Your report says he was shot from a distance of four or five feet. My autopsy says point blank. Remember, Nick, in the mortal world perjury is a crime too.

Nick: It's about Kozak's trial.
Stonetree: Yes.
Nick: It's been set and I have to take the stand--in the daytime.
Stonetree: Big deal. Get some rest and I'll ah, get somebody to cover for you.
Nick: Captain, remember, I can't work during the day. C'mon you know what I'm talking about. That's the whole reason I work nights.
Stonetree: Your condition. Allergy to the sun. Nick, we're talking about a trial, not a day at the beach.
Nick: Yeah, but maybe I know a little bit more about this than you do. Can we just take my word for it, huh? It's a problem.
Stonetree: What do you want me to do?
Nick: Let me video tape my testimony and send it in like I always do.
Stonetree: Nick, it's a little different from those times and this time. Then you were just an arresting officer. Now you're a primary witness. The only witness.
Nick: So what are you saying, no go?
Stonetree: It's simple. The only hope we have of nailing Kozak is if you take the stand, and tell the judge what you saw.

Schanke: Retail? Are you kidding. You don't buy this stuff retail. Get it from me, Nick. I'll give you a great discount, okay?
Nick: Oh sure, how do you think the Dutch got Manhattan.
Schanke: Well, according to Myra, this one has got the most protection of the whole Skin Pretty line. Here it is--Ozone Shield. 100% UVA blockage. It's got a very very pleasing coconut peach scent.
Nick: Total sun protection, huh? You sure?
Schanke: Absolutely. You could wear this stuff at Chernobyl. I hope you're not insinuating that my wife is a liar.
Nick: No.
Schanke: Two years running, Myra Schanke has been Skin Pretty Saleslady of the year, Toronto region. You should just feel this skin, smooth as a baby's bottom, or so I've been told.
Nick: Just give me the sun block.
Schanke: What you're doing is a very wise thing, my friend, what with the sun trying to destroy us and all. And 14.95 is a very good price. Besides, I never really went for those tan guys, huh. Whose the guy who did that vampire movie...he used to date Lyndon Johnson's daughter, something bird.... Hamilton. George Hamilton, that's who it was. A tan vampire. Now there's a jerk!

Tamara: So, you're...men, what do you think?
Schanke: I think I'm glad that the only time my wife wears rubber is when she's washing dishes.
Tamara: You'll never know until you try.

Tamara: I would never say or do anything to hurt Murray...unless he wanted me to.

Nick: What if I told you that I didn't actually see Kozak shoot Farber?
Schanke: You want to know what I'd say? I'd say, 'so what?'
Nick: So what? That's it? Hey, Schank, that's it?
Schanke: Yeah. So you lied, it happens, Nick. The dishonorable opposition does it. Sometimes we gotta do it too. It's not as if there's any question that that bad guy murdered the victim, right? So what's the big deal?
Nick: You knew all along, then?
Schanke: No. It just wasn't the main issue, that's all. It's either that, or I've got the six million dollar man for a partner.

Stonetree: You got a problem?
Schanke: Me have a problem. That'll be the day.

Schanke: We need more hero's that's the problem.
Stonetree: Do me two favors, Schanke.
Schanke: Sure.
Stonetree: Go get some sleep. And on your way, don't do anything heroic, okay?
Schanke: You think I'm stupid, right, that I'm talking a bunch of garbage?
Stonetree: No, I don't. I totally agree with you. But all I can think about right now is sleep.

Schanke: Rise and shine! Rise and shine, Nicky boy! Oy, you're up!

Schanke: If I have anymore coffee, I'll be able to fly home.
Nick: Sounds like a great idea. You going home.

Nick: You ODed on a six-foot souvlaki or something?
Schanke: It hit me when I talked to Stonetree, but I'll give you the short version 'cause we're partners.
Nick: Who says you're not merciful?

Nick: If I could tap in on your nervous energy you could light up a whole city.

Schanke: If it takes you to tell a little white lie so that we can look like heroes, then do it!

Schanke: Whoa, I gotta fly. Gotta go home, get a shower, kiss Myra, kick the dog. I don't want to miss the main event. See you later, partner. (getting into the elevator) Get a new door.

Janette: Nicolas, what has you so enchanted?
Nick: The music.
LaCroix: Perhaps the music, but perhaps our young companion has chosen his evening's prey.
Janette: Common street players? Phh. Surely six-hundred years have refined your tastes beyond that!
LaCroix: The students of the conservatory are very talented. Especially the girl. I should play again, but I'll never compare to them.

Nick: I could listen to her for the rest of time.
LaCroix: Perhaps music isn't the only mortal pleasure you yearn for.
Nick: LaCroix, music feeds the soul.
LaCroix: It's a pity that music is one of the only things mortals excel at. Why do you think that is, Nicholas? Is it because they have a soul?
Nick: And you do not.
LaCroix: We do not.

Nick: No, Janette!
Janette: I was wrong, Nicolas. You do have good taste.

Natalie: How do you feel? Doing okay?
Nick: Yeah, a little wiped out. So, what am I in for?
Natalie: Well, everything from here to the courtroom is either underground or in the inside with no windows.
Nick: What about the courtroom itself?
Natalie: The blinds are those old venetian jobs, radiation couldn't get through. I had city engineering shut them last night.
Nick: Let's hope it stays that way.
Natalie: Hmm. I told them I was a decorator. When they left me alone to indulge my creative vision, I sabotaged the pull cords. Nick, I hope you know what you're doing.
Nick: If I can avoid the sun, I'll be all right.
Natalie: I'm talking about what you're going to say on the stand.
Nick: Nat, I've been around for 800 years, I know what's wrong and what's right.
Natalie: Do you smell pina coladas?

Schanke: Nice suit, Captain.
Stonetree: Thanks. My son made it for me in school.

Schanke: All I'm saying is, don't sweat it. Don't sweat it, buddy.
Nick: What if he's telling the truth?
Schanke: He's not!

Schanke: All you gotta do is get up there and say you saw Kozak ventilate Farber and it's Cops, one, dirtbags, nothing.

Lawyer (Defender): Did you really see it?!
Nick: No. No, I didn't actually see it.

Janette: All I can say is.... You'll never, ever learn, will you Nicolas?
Nick: When it came down to it, I couldn't lie anymore. I didn't see what I said I did.
Janette: Who cares about that? Who cares about them. We are so much more than them. Who cares about their petty laws.
Nick: I do. Although, I don't think I'm exactly what you'd call welcome around the police station anymore.
Janette: Good. Oh, Nick, let's leave.
Nick: We spend our whole lives running away. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to fit in.
Janette: Nicolas, we have everything that humans want. We have everything that they lust after. Tomorrow we can be in Paris on the Seine or in Mombassa. Whatever we want. It's ours. It's ours. The things that you concern yourself with, they are nothing. You want to arrest a tawdry little pornographer when we saw the Marquise de Sade. Hmmm? The things you concern yourself with are just specks in time. Why do you do it? Why does it matter?
Nick: It'll help me find my soul.
Janette: Your soul is long gone. You lost it when LaCroix brought you over. He was never one to let his life become boring. Do you know where he is, Nick? Dead? You're pathetic. You want to belong. You belong to no one. Not us. Not them. You're not true to your own kind. You're not even true to yourself.

Nick: I didn't see the gun go off.
Stonetree: Then why'd you tell everybody you did?
Nick: Is that the question, Captain? Because I get the feeling that the real question, is why didn't I stick to the lie?

Kozak: I saw the bullets go right through you...
Nick: Try saying that in court. I don't know about you, but I'd say they'd call you a liar!

Natalie: How can you laugh about that?
Nick: Oh, I'm not, I'm laughing at you.
Natalie: What do you mean?
Nick: Oh, how can you cry about that, huh? I mean, it's not even about people!
Natalie: It's so sad.
Nick: It's about a forty foot gorilla!
Natalie: All right, that's it. I take back everything I said about you having a chance at being human.
Nick: I apologize, okay? I realize that humanity isn't always perfect, Nat. Watching Kozak drag his mistress down with him wasn't all that pretty.
Natalie: They both going to jail?
Nick: Hmm-hmm. The one who did it, and the one who made him do it.
Natalie: So, how about you and the rest of the world? Has it forgiven you yet for telling the truth?
Nick: It's gettin' there.
Natalie: You see! You're not immune to happy endings! By the way, you never told me about what happened to that musician.
Nick: Oh, he was sentenced to death.
Natalie: You don't seem very bothered by that.
Nick: Well, somehow, someone managed to break into his jail cell and he escaped. He ended up playing first violin for some symphony orchestra somewhere....
(Nick bares his fangs and hisses, causing Nat to scream)
Natalie: Stop it! (Nat throws popcorn at Nick)