MY BOYFRIEND IS A VAMPIRE

*****

Jerry: We're back and talking about supernatural lovers. Now, if you were amazed by Ralph's intimate encounters with ghostly nymphomaniacs--or Lavonda's accounts of phone sex from the grave--wait till you hear this. I want you all to meet Maggie Dwyer. Maggie says her boyfriend is....
Maggie: My boyfriend is a vampire.
Jerry: Now Maggie, vampires don't really exist, do they?
Maggie: I used to think that...until he showed me. He grew his fangs, his eyes turned blood red, and he started to speak French.
Jerry: Now Maggie, the burning question. Maggie, what's it like to love a vampire?
Maggie: Oh, he knows so much about love, Jerry. He tells me about all the famous people he knew, all the great poets. He reads their love poems to me by candlelight. He's so romantic!
Jerry: I guess what we really want to know, Maggie, what's it like to have sex with a vampire? Shh...come on...come on, come on.
Maggie: I'm sorry Jerry, that's between him and me. All I'll say is, he really knows how to please a woman.
Jerry: Dr. Jennifer Joyce, what do you make of all this?
Dr. Jennifer Joyce: Well, there are two kinds of love, Jerry. There's wellness love which is good love, healthy love, love love. It's characterized by respect and understanding...and great sex. And there's unwellness love, like Maggie's. People get involved in this kind of relationship to relieve their loneliness. They put up with abuse, neglect. They let their emotions get trampled and destroyed, all the while fantasizing and rationalizing...In Maggie's case, about a love that is unobtainable, not even real. Needless to say, Jerry, the sex is nonexistent.
Jerry: Let's see what our audience has to say? Who's going to help me out here? How about this lovely young lady? What do you say to someone who says their in love with a vampire?
Tracy: Um, they should get help?

Tracy: Oh, my God...
Natalie: Her name is Maggie Dwyer. They tell me the time of death was, oh, about two hours.
Nick: A knife?
Natalie: Uh huh. And by the looks of it someone was pretty motivated.
Nick: Something?
Tracy: She was on the Jerry show tonight. She claimed her boyfriend is a vampire. I was in the audience. I...watch the show from time to time, okay? It's just fun.
Reese: Her boyfriend was a vampire.
Tracy: Like I said, it's just fun!
Reese: Yeah, so's bowling.
Reese: Knight, Vetter. She live alone?
Nick: Uh, yeah. Her superintendent said she's got a boyfriend. Claimed he was a vampire. It was on the Jerry show.
Reese: Oh great. Another Jenny Jones three-ring circus. A couple of days, this town's going to be lousy with media vultures. I'm going to move surveillance in next door so we can keep an eye on this place. We find this boyfriend fast, right?
Nick: Right.

Tracy: Nothing on Maggie, except the vampire fetish. Seems to have led a fairly quiet life. A little on the lonely side.
Nick: Except for the boyfriend. Do you buy it? The vampire angle?
Tracy: What? Vampires? Okay...so she goes on television, says what she says, and then she's dead. Maybe her boyfriend thinks he's a vampire. Sick, you know. Maybe he did it to shut her up.
Nick: You don't believe in vampires?
Tracy: Of course not. Do you?

Technician: Everybody settle please. Tape's rolling.
Jerry: Yesterday on the Jerry Show, a young woman, Maggie Dwyer, spoke of her incredible love affair with a vampire. We saw a woman genuinely, deeply, in love. Misguided, perhaps, but in love. Last night, Maggie was murdered. All of us on 'The Jerry Show' are saddened by this tragedy. It must be stated that Maggie's death was no way a result of her appearance on my show. This was a random act. I ask that Maggie's death not be made the subject of tawdry, sensationalized speculation. I ask this in Maggie's name.
Technician: That's a keeper.
Jerry: Good.

Nick: Mr. Tate? Detective Knight, Metro homicide. This is Detective Vetter. We spoke earlier?
Jerry: Of course.
Tracy: We've met.
Jerry: Ah, yes, I never forget a pretty face. You, a homicide detective, of all things. Interesting. So, what did you think of the Maggie promo?
Nick: Promo?
Jerry: Yeah. We'll use it as a hook for the show tonight. Why don't you stick around? We're doing sexism in swimwear.
Charly: Jerry, that was fabulous.
Jerry: Was it sincere enough? I think it was...
Charly: Absolutely.
Jerry: ...anything more, and it would have been insincere.
Charly: Absolutely. You nailed it, as always.
Jerry: Charly Hawkes, my producer and biggest fan.
Charly: Oh, Jerry.
Jerry: Detectives Knight and Vetter.
Charly: How do you do? We're awfully sorry about Maggie. Please tell me this has nothing to do with her segment. I've just put my star's word on tape that it didn't.
Tracy: Did you ever meet the boyfriend? The vampire, I mean, alleged vampire?
Jerry: No.
Nick: Did you get a name or an address? I mean, you must have interviewed Maggie before she was committed to the show?
Charly: Well, of course we did, but vampires don't exist. Why ask for the name and address of a myth?
Nick: You didn't check out her story? Her background? Her? Anything?
Jerry: The story was really all that mattered, and the story was really her belief in it.
Charly: Yes, all of our guests last night claimed to have supernatural lovers, but that wasn't what the story was about.
Jerry: I wanted to look at what the need for love can do to people.
Charly: Yes.
Jerry: The lengths they'll go to, to feel loved.
Charly: Absolutely.
Nick: Oh, I see. It was a deep investigation of the human psyche.
Charly: Detective, this is television, we all know that. No illusions here.
Jerry: We find that fine line between social relevance and entertainment. It's not as easy as it looks. Charly, remember that cute little idea you had, or was it mine? Anyway, It doesn't really matter. It's a story about women in dangerous jobs, traditionally male-dominated areas.
Charly: Yes, yes she'd be perfect....
Tracy: No. No no no no no. I've never been on TV before...except for last night and that doesn't really count. No. The Captain would never go for it.
Nick: I'll call him.
Tracy: No.
Jerry: Great. Charly will set it all up.
Charly: Absolutely!

Nick: I think he likes you.
Tracy: Get over it.
Nick: Yeah, yeah. Listen, we should go. Natalie's waiting.
Tracy: Oh, I uh, forgot, I have a plumber coming by my apartment. I have to swing by and let him in.
Nick: A plumber?
Tracy: Yup.
Nick: No problem.

Nick: Is that sexism or swimwear?
Tracy: Uh...sexism.

Tracy: What if it is a vampire? How do I explain something like that? People would think I was nuts. Nick, especially. He is such a skeptic.
Vachon: Know him that well, do you?
Tracy: Well enough.
Vachon: My advice? Don't try to explain it. If it is a vampire and you find that out for sure, you'll probably be dead before you can tell anyone.
Tracy: Right. Yeah, I'm probably just overreacting. It's probably just a big coincidence.
Vachon: This killing is not all that's on your mind.
Tracy: No. It's Maggie. The victim. She had a relationship...or at least she thought she did.
Vachon: Yeah, so?
Tracy: So, sometimes its hard to tell if you have a relationship or not. You think you have a commitment, you think you have a future, and then you realize the guy doesn't even realize there's a relationship going on to begin with. I'm just saying this is true of some women.
Vachon: That happens, I guess. What can you do about it?
Tracy: Nothing. Men. Look I gotta go.

1780's or 1790's

Screed: Oh, yes. Fine gentlemen all! And when we've done doing the jigs at yer town squares, Father, we'll be jigging the young cheenas in a far proper way.
Vachon: Wait! Stop! Have you no decency?
Screed: Oi. Watch your language, will we? There's ladies present.
Vachon: Shut your mouths. All of you! I'll kill the first one that dares to speak another word. My ladies, Screed and Bourbon are not gentlemen.
Screed: In a rats crammy!
Bourbon: Mind your tongue, sir.
Vachon: Or they would know the proper way to treat a lady. A lady such as this. Her virtue pure as a mountain spring that bursts forth from the bedrock, rushing deep and fast toward the lush, fertile valley below. And we, as gentlemen, sail her waters, aboard her virgin ship. And we christen her Santa Maria, our Lady of the Valley.

Vachon: Women.

Natalie: Whether her killer is mortal or a vampire, Maggie is just as dead.
Nick: And you don't know which.
Natalie: Nope. On the other hand, if her boyfriend really is a vampire, and she went on the Jerry Tate show to tell the world, there's a motive.
Nick: And he wouldn't kill her in the usual way, because that would be risking exposure.
Natalie: Yup. End of discussion.
Nick: All right, I'll bite. I'm in the dog house. You're angry with me, and I don't know why.
Natalie: Angry?
Nick: Am I wrong?
Natalie: It's just uh.... I don't know. I-I don't know, I-I don't even know what I'm looking for here.
Nick: Nat, why don't we just take this one word at a time?
Natalie: Maybe I'm feeling just a little, teeny, weeny bit like Maggie Dwyer.
Nick: What's that supposed to mean?
Natalie: I saw the show, too. And as I was watching, I kept thinking, whoever this guy is, Maggie, he's using you.
Nick: So that's the way you feel about me, about us? Right?
Natalie: Well, have you stopped drinking blood? Do you...uh, I don't know. What about the medication, the prescriptions for your skin? Everything that I do, what is it for, if you won't work with me? I mean, you say that you will, but you don't, you just kind of tell me....
Nick: I don't know what to tell you, Nat.
Natalie: Well then, call me crazy, but what your doing is hurting me.
Nick: Well that's not my intention!
Natalie: Really, what is your intention?

Tracy: Nothing so far, eh, guys?
Cop 1: Well, we've counted eleven different kinds of bugs in this place. Big Pepperoni fans.
Tracy: Well, as long as they don't eat the crust.
Cop 1: We've got something. There's movement in there.
Tracy: Okay, wait here, and I mean it!
Cop 2: You got it, Tracy.

Cop 1: We've got movement on Dwyer's place.
Nick: Don't move until I get there.
Cop 1: Does that go for your partner, too? She's halfway across the street by now.
Nick: What?

Nick: Surveillance team. Someone's over at Maggie Dwyer's apartment. Tracy's already on her way. If that guy really is a vampire--
Natalie: Yeah, I know, I know...

Gearge Upton: Get off! Help!
Tracy: Police!
Upton: Ow, you're hurting me! Let me up! Who are you? What do you want?
Nick: Metro Homicide.
Vachon: Well, actually, I'm not.
Tracy: Uh...no, he's an acquaintance of mine.
Nick: And you?
Upton: I'm an acquaintance of Maggie's. George Upton.
Nick: Fine, Mr. Upton, let's go somewhere and talk.

Nick: Are we expecting anyone else, or can we go?
Tracy: Uh, yeah.

Tracy: What are you doing here?
Vachon: You said, 'Maybe a vampi-'
Tracy: Dih! Don't say that word! Look, I can handle this. I don't need your help.
Vachon: Fine. I guess I'll be on my way.
Tracy: Wait! Is he a vamp-
Vachon: *Don't* say that word. And I thought you didn't need my help. No, he's not a...

Nick: Do you have a lot of people like Vachon hanging around waiting to save you?
Tracy: Uh, very funny. Look, Vachon is just a friend who's trying to help, that's all.
Nick: Hmm, who happened to see you on the street as you were heading to make the arrest, and being concerned for your safety he decided to back you up?
Tracy: Uh, yeah, sort of.
Nick: That's quite a friend. By the way, did you get everything straightened out with that plumber of yours?

Upton: Maggie and I were...dating.
Nick: Dating?
Upton: Well, you know, an item.
Nick: It says here you're married, Mr. Upton.
Tracy: And not to Maggie. You were cheating on your wife.
Upton: I wish you wouldn't say it that way. Look, it was just for fun. Maggie's a real kinky chick--you know how it is.
Nick: Did you kill her?
Upton: No.
Tracy: Then why were you sneaking around in her apartment? In the dark.
Upton: I had to make sure there was nothing there to connect her to me. I mean, if my wife ever found out. She's fiery.
Nick: Any idea why Maggie claimed you were a vampire?
Upton: I told her not to do that stupid show! We liked to pretend, you see? She said I looked great in a cape. Look, if a great looking chick like Maggie says she thinks your a vampire, you go with it.
Tracy: Especially, if it gets you into bed with her.
Upton: She's a little nutsy, what else can I say?
Nick: Go home, Mr. Upton. Go home to your fiery wife.
Upton: This, this won't get out, will it? I'll be a dead man!
Tracy: Oh, no...not dead Mr. Upton. Just...<ssst>...a little less of a man.

Nick: 'A little less of a man'?
Tracy: I know, I couldn't help myself. He deserved it. I mean, you can't get men to commit, and when they do, they don't. They cheat. They throw it right back in your...face. Sorry, I can't imagine where this might be coming from. So, you think he's telling the truth?
Nick: Do you think anyone would make up such a humiliating story?
Reese: Well, we ran a check on the wife. Susan Upton has been in Winnipeg for the last two weeks, at a science fiction convention or something. Probably learning to speak Klingon.
Nick: Well, that takes care of the jealous wife angle.
Reese: What did you get from Romeo?
Nick: Well, Upton says Maggie was a little nutty, but that's about it.
Reese: A little nutty! Sounds more like a nut cluster to me. I mean, vampires!
Tracy: Hey, well, maybe Maggie was really in love with Upton, and because he won't leave his wife, she's left loving this man that she can never have. So she starts making up these wild stories about him, fantasizing about him. I can sympathize with that.
Reese: Sorry, sometimes crazy, is just plain crazy.
Nick: So, Maggie's imagination was working overtime. Where does that go?
Reese: It doesn't get us to motive. Why does somebody stab her more than thirty times?
Reese: This is the tape of the show they sent over. Now I know why I stick to hockey and nature shows. I mean, people get on these talk shows and let their deepest, dumbest secrets be exploited, for what? Ratings and maybe five minutes of fame? And what possessed you on your time off to be in the studio audience?
Tracy: It's fun.
Reese: You're worse than my wife. Denise won't shut up about the Jerry show. She goes on and on. It drives me crazy! But at least she doesn't watch it in person.

Nick: Hey! Have you told him yet that Jerry himself asked you to appear on the show? Go on!
Reese: What?
Tracy: Yeah, about women in dangerous, traditionally male jobs and the crap they sometimes have to deal with.
Nick: Hey, that little barb was aimed at me, wasn't it?
Nick: Oh yeah. You know, I think she should do it. No, seriously. I mean, if Maggie's death had something to do with her appearance on the show, this will give us a way in.
Tracy: No. Nick, I was just making a point. And besides, the Captain would never go for it.
Reese: Of course, I wouldn't.
Nick: Sure, he would.
Reese: I wouldn't under normal circumstances, but since it is case related, consider it an order. Do the show.
Tracy: Now, wait a minute!
Reese: Now, just think of it as the crap you sometimes have to deal with. Break a foot.
Nick: Leg.
Reese: Whatever.

Nightcrawler: Love. How it toys with us, makes utter fools of us, flogs, whips, and spanks us. Listen to the voices of the unloved as they surge and retreat in the night. Whispered in empty rooms and lonely beds, the hunger of love unattained, rushing through our fingers, unstoppable, fleeting, gone. And yet, when we touch this love it burns us with its bright flame, it punishes and consumes. And yet we must have it. It rules us: uses, abuses, misuses. And yet, why do we always crawl back for more?

Nick: What's wrong?
Natalie: I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Nick: Should I sit down?
Natalie: No. No, this shouldn't take long. I never thought it would come to this, but I'm gonna have to give up on you, Nick. I just don't have the strength anymore. I have to go.
Nick: Natalie, please.... Natalie!

Jerry: (Injured and a bleeding a bit) Cut this out! Stop! Where's security? Get in here! That's the last time we do 'punks and monks.'
Charly: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry....
Jerry: All right. You're sorry.
Charly: Get him so ice. Now!
Jerry: Charly! You're poking me.
Charly: I'm so sorry--
Tracy: Uh, is now not a good time for my background interview?
Charly: No, no. No--it's not a problem. It's not a problem.... Is it, Jerry?
Jerry: Not compared to this.

Charly: Look on the bright side, Jerry. Every time a TV talk show host gets punched on the air, the ratings go through the roof.

Jerry: Well, yeah. Well, it won't the first time I took one for the show. Now, talking about dangerous jobs, let's hear all about the life of a lady cop.
Tracy: Oh, well there's not much to tell, really. The usual academy stuff.
Charly: Graduated first in your class, no doubt?
Tracy: Well, ninth, actually.
Charly: Near the top, we don't need to get specific.
Dr. Joyce: (comes in) Oh, I'm sorry. I'm interrupting. I just wanted to see if Jerry was all right.
Charly: He's fine, Doctor.
Jerry: Just a scratch.
Charly: Now, if that's all? (Joyce takes the hint and leaves)
Jerry: So, after graduation?
Tracy: Well, five years in uniform, before I made detective.
Charly: Meteoric rise to the top of her field. Unprecedented. Now, Jerry had another fabulous idea.
Jerry: Yeah, you'll love it. We'll videotape you on the job doing something exciting, edgy....
Charly: Roll it in during the live interview.
Jerry: I want to see you in action, maybe a car chase or something undercover in a bad part of town. A beautiful woman on her own getting the job done.
Tracy: But, uh, usually homicide cops are called in after the fact. Most of the work we do is up here.
Jerry: Maybe we can stage something.
Tracy: You mean, fake a car chase?
Charly: Well, Jerry, I...that's not really in our budget. Do you ever use informants? Maybe we could set up a meeting with a dangerous, mysterious character. What do you think, Jerry?
Jerry: Well, it's not a car chase, but I guess it'll have to do.
Charly: Tracy?
Tracy: Well, there is this snitch I know....
Jerry: And we need to get him on camera.
Charly: That's okay, we could hide his identity digitally.
Tracy: Yeah, I'm sure I could convince him.
Jerry: I'll bet you could.
Charly: Now, about your make-over....
Tracy: My...my-my what?

Tracy: It's just so unrealistic. I'll look goofy.
Vachon: You arrange this stuff alphabetically?
Tracy: Hey, are you listening to me?
Vachon: You'll afraid you'll look stupid.
Tracy: Well, won't I? I mean I could just see it. They'll put me in this tight spandex dress cut up to here, and then neckline somewhere down around my waist. Four inch spikes. Leather. Babe cop. What are you looking at?
Vachon: Hmmm?
Tracy: You're staring.
Vachon: Oh...just memories. A different time. A much different time.
Tracy: Care to share that memory? Okay, look, now that I've expressly told you I don't need your help...I need your help. How'd you like to be on television?

Charly: I told her which shows we were going to need her on for next week. She said she was going to work late, and uh...and then I left right after that.
Nick: And you were already home?
Jerry: You don't think this is related to Maggie's murder, do you?
Nick: We can't say just yet. The officer will take your statements. Excuse me.
Reese: And?
Nick: They're upset.
Reese: Two people on your show murdered. I'd be wondering if I was next.
Nick: I think we should check the security logs. See if they left when they said they did.
Tracy: Nick!
Nick: Well, I don't think they did it, but, uh, I think we should check on them and anyone else who was in the building.
Tracy: Captain, do you still want me taping the ride-along?
Reese: Well, I guess, but I don't want you being the next victim.
Tracy: I know, you're the one on the phone to my father if anything happens. I'll be careful.

Nick: Natalie!
Natalie: Please don't make this any harder than it already is.

Tracy: Nat? Hi. You know, you can tell me to shut up anytime you like.
Natalie: Okay....
Tracy: Um...you and Nick are friends, right?
Natalie: Our relationship is uh, complicated.
Tracy: Nick seems like a really good guy. He's a really good partner, respects me, he's even risked his life for me. Look, I think I may be stepping over the line here, but, okay, let me put it this way. There's this guy I know, or at least I'm getting to know, who actually...reminds me of Nick in a lot of ways. He has this mysterious side to him, just like Nick does, and...quite a past. We have nothing in common but I just want a relationship with him. The problem is I really don't know if it's mutual.
Natalie: Well, you can't force it.
Tracy: Yeah, and so it ends up taking time. Maybe a long time.
Natalie: I don't have the energy anymore to wait and see. Just between you and me? I feel all used up.
Tracy: But that's part of any relationship, isn't it? It works both ways. Sometimes we use and sometimes we get used.
Natalie: I really appreciate you trying to help. I gotta go do some work. And about this man of yours.... I really hope it works out.

Charly: You look great, Tracy. That make-over worked wonders.
Jerry: Not that you needed any help.
Tracy: Well, I feel ridiculous. Well, so, he should be here anytime.
Charly: Remember Tracy, let's try to push this guy.
Jerry: Keep it hip, cool and cutting edge.
Charly: Yeah.
Tracy: I'm not sure exactly what that means. Oh, here he comes now.
Charly: Try to move in close on him.
Tracy: Hey, Vinnie--what's going on?
Vachon: Looks like the deal went south. The fatman had his gunzel ice Thursby, then he took off with the bird.
Jerry: Great! This sounds so street.
Charly: I don't know. To me it sounds familiar.
Tracy: Um, where's the bird now?
Vachon: On its way to Cairo. (Sees someone approaching with a knife) Tracy, look out!
Charly: Oh, my God!
Jerry: Keep rolling. Follow the guy.
Vachon: Tracy, you all right?
Tracy: Yeah. I'm fine, I'm fine. Go, Go!

Nick: Did you get it on camera?
Tracy: I hope so. All I saw was a blur.
Reese: I'm confiscating that tape. The first one who argues spends at least one night locked up.
Charly: Dewitt. (The cameraman hands her the tape)
Jerry: This is crazy! What the hell is happening with my show?
Reese: Damned good question. You know, you almost got one of my people killed with this stuff.
Jerry: Believe me, Captain, we're as upset about this as you are. But there was no way to predict something like this.
Tracy: Yeah, Jerry's right. It came out of the blue.
Jerry: If it wasn't for that snitch of hers, she'd be dead.
Reese: Your snitch?
Tracy: We set up a little meeting.
Reese: Well, where is the guy?
Tracy: I don't know, he took off after the attacker and he didn't come back.
Nick: His name is Vachon. I used him a few times last year. He owed me, so when Tracy called, I suggested him.
Reese: Well find him, Knight.
Nick: I'll see what I can do.

Nick: So, now you're Tracy's snitch.
Vachon: She told you?
Nick: She didn't have to. Did you get a good look at the attacker?
Vachon: No, and with the camera on me, I couldn't do more than was humanly possible to catch him, if you catch my drift.
Nick: Do you think it was planned?
Vachon: Planned? Are you saying that someone involved with that show arranged this?
Nick: Well, right now, I'm willing to entertain any possibilities or theories.

Vachon: Remember the days when you could watch something like that pass by and just take her, not worrying about the consequences?
LaCroix: Regrettably times have changed, and poor, moping Nicholas, has changed with them. Look what it's done to him. He's become so limited, so je jeune. The modern female is so demanding, isn't that right, Nicholas? They used to be so entertaining, so feminine.

Screed: Now, that was a right scrapple, for that little bit of apple.
Bourbon: I prefer my women more docile.
Screed: Ah, bollocks, mate. Can't get knackered unless she puts the boot in and bumps your mumps. Otherwise--kissing your sister.
Vachon: A chacon son gout, gentlemen.
Screed: Knock off with the French, will you?
Vachon: I love women.
Screed: Beats a bite a squeaker, I tell you.
Bourbon: Perhaps if mortal men knew there was a way to drink from their bounty, and suffer none of the consequences....
Screed: Fidelity. Monogamy. Aye, bloody marriage. Oohh...sot you up with 'em crawlie-doodlers rest of your life and that's the game, my friend. Much better this way, eh? No latchy ball and chain this way, right? It's the life, I'm telling you. Only life there is for a man. Being a vampire.

Vachon: Things were so much simpler in the old days.
LaCroix: They need be no more complicated today, as long as we are true to our nature. Operate discreetly.

Reese: Yeah, that's the closest we get to seeing his face.
Nick: And Vachon wasn't worried about being identified?
Tracy: No, they were going to hide his face electronically.
Nick: Hide his face? Look at this. The attacker deliberately hid his face from the camera.
Tracy: You're right.
Reese: Wait a minute, that camera was hidden, wasn't it?
Tracy: In the van, yeah. So how did he know where the camera was to keep it from seeing his face?
Nick: Somebody told him.
Tracy: Jerry or Charly? Do we bring them in?
Nick: All we have is circumstantial.
Reese: Maybe I should pay a little more attention to my wife.
Nick: Pardon?
Reese: If you wanted to hire a hitman, where would you look?
Tracy: A hitman?
Reese: Yeah. Yeah, look, Jerry and Charly were both in the van when you were attacked, right?
Tracy: Yeah.
Reese: That means they had to hire somebody to do it.
Tracy: Okay....
Reese: Yeah, well, a couple of weeks ago they did a show on hitmen who marry their intended victims. Denise mentioned it over breakfast the other day.
Tracy: So we're looking for the guest list from that show.
Reese: I'll make sure there's a search warrant waiting for you there.

Nick: Natalie? Natalie?
Natalie: Why can't you just let this go?
Nick: Because you're wrong, that's why. I'm not using you. I wish I could prove that to you, but I don't know how, all right?
Natalie: Well, that's your problem, isn't it?
Nick: Well, what am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to say to you? I don't know what to say. Tell me what to say!
Natalie: I don't know, maybe there's nothing left to say.

Charly: It's under the G's. That is what your looking for, isn't it? The name of the man I hired to kill you on the street?
Tracy: Put the gun down.
Charly: No. (Takes Tracy's gun) Thanks. Unfortunately, it looks like I'll have to finish the job off myself. Just think of the ratings. The sexy cop investigating the Jerry Show murders, gets killed on the job. Captured on camera, in our studios.
Tracy: Two women killed and the attack on me for...ratings?
Charly: Much more than that.

Charly: Tonight on Jerry, 'Sex and the talk show host'. With me is Detective Tracy Vetter, a guest whose indiscretions with Jerry will get her killed.
Tracy: What are you talking about? There's nothing between Jerry and me.
Charly: What do you think, audience? Is she telling the truth? I don't think so.
Nick: Charly!
Charly: Stay away.
Nick: *Let her go.*
Charly: My problem is with her, not with you. Seems she can't keep her claws off my star. None of them can. I finally caught up with two of them.
Nick: Maggie and Dr. Joyce.
Charly: Sluts. What can I say?

Charly: Jerry, come see what I've done for you, sweetheart!
Jerry: What the hell's going on? She called me, told me to come here.
Charly: The ratings winner of the year. An execution. Exclusive to the Jerry Show.
Jerry: Charly! You have a police officer at gunpoint. What are you doing?
Charly: Think! I thought you loved me. At least that's what you said every time you slept with me. I built this show with you. Our careers, side by side. Your success was.... Your success is everything to me, because I love you.
Jerry: You what? Charly, it was just sex.
Charly: Well, maybe it was for you. All I ever wanted was for you to love me. You only love yourself, Jerry. I only ever take back seat to your ambitions. And to your women.
Jerry: My women?
Nick: She thinks you were having affairs with Maggie and Dr. Joyce.
Jerry: So what if I was? It's not like I'm married.
Nick: And with Tracy.
Jerry: What? Charly.... You killed them?
Charly: I couldn't take it anymore, Jerry. I've always been there for you. You've always been content just to have me at your beck and call.
Jerry: Charly, I never told you I loved you. I have no obligation towards you.
Charly: Yes, you do now! I saved this show by killing them. We're back on top sweetheart. You and me together again. And I love you Jerry. I'm going to prove it again and again until you understand!
Jerry: Charly, this is crazy. You're crazy!
Charly: God! You see what I have to put up with? I kill for this man and he calls me crazy. The only man I've ever loved walks all over my heart, doesn't give a damn. Every minute of pain I've suffered...he caused. I don't know why I didn't think of this before. (She shoots Jerry) Jerry!
Nick: (to Tracy) You all right? Call it in.
Charly: Is that enough, Jerry? Did you guys get that? Jerry...? Jerry!

Tracy: Because of the horrors you sometimes see on the job, you have to learn to freeze out your emotions. Now, this can be harder for a woman than a man.
Jerry: Is it for you?
Tracy: Yes. It is a constant struggle, but I do the best I can.

Natalie: They're beautiful. And the card....
Nick: Well, I had to get you here, somehow.
Natalie: It worked. So what have you been up to this last little while?
Nick: The usual.
Natalie: (Walking over to the TV) Ah, the new and improved Jerry Tate Show.
Nick: It takes a major crisis to turn some people around.
Natalie: You could have made something up.
Nick: About?
Natalie: That day in the precinct, last time we spoke. You just stood there speechless. It took me a while, but I figured it out. I saw more that you think I saw. I saw how much you cared, I just needed you to say it. Oh my God, if I start talking about wellness and unwellness love, shoot me!
Nick: You can count on it. Nat, I don't think you ever will understand how much I care.